My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
