I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
