He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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