guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
