Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
