i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
