My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
