I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
