Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
