Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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