tonight lets celebrate not being married
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
