My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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