I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
