I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Randomize
