During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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