They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
