Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
