i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
