She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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