I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
