my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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