just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
