My sheets look like a crime scene.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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