At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
