i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
