My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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