ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
