I should be sponsored by Trojan
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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