my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
