Can i not drive my cunt home
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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