Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
