You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
