woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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