Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
