Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
