it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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