The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
