I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
