i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
