3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
