im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
