Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
