You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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