So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
