so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
and she was petting her beer can
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I need moral support for this bender
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
