I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
