So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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