You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
