I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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