My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
