He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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